


less drowning, more land

by jenlynn820



Category: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, M/M, m/m - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2020-01-05 10:04:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18363815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenlynn820/pseuds/jenlynn820
Summary: Rebecca doesn't choose Nathaniel or Greg.  They find solace in each other.





	less drowning, more land

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place after Rebecca makes whatever choice she's about to make. I am 100% sure this will not be how the show ends.  
> Title from Mercy by Matt Nathanson.

Nathaniel moved his wrist in a circle, staring into the heavy glass and watching the amber liquid swirl.  He breathed out and swallowed the contents before setting the tumbler down with a thud. He caught the bartender’s eye and raised his finger to order another.  

“How many is that?” asked a familiar voice that contained no judgment.

Nathaniel turned his head, surprised that Greg was beside him.  He hadn’t noticed the other man sit down, too lost in his own ridiculous, self-indulgent melancholy. “That was my second, and this will be my third,” Nathaniel said, picking up the new glass in front of him.  Greg nodded and ordered a ginger ale. There was a long, awkward silence. “This is-”

“Weird,” Greg offered and Nathaniel huffed in agreement.  Another long beat went by before Greg’s drink was delivered.  “I don’t have to sit here.”

Nathaniel looked over at Greg again.  Greg looked tired, his cheeks covered in stubble.  “It’s fine. Misery loves company, right?” he said, extending his glass.  

Greg clinked his ginger ale to Nathaniel’s whisky. “To misery.”

Nathaniel snorted softly, a sardonic smile twisting at the corner of his mouth. Silence descended again, but it wasn’t so awkward now, just heavy and… sad.  It had been 3 weeks since Rebecca left. Three weeks, 4 days, 12 hours, to be exact. Nathaniel had counted every single minute since that day. He swallowed some liquor and thumped the glass down harder than necessary.  “I am so fucking pathetic. How many times can one person be rejected and still...”

Greg shook his head.  “It's not pathetic. You love her.  I love her too. And yeah, that’s love, present tense.  I don’t think I’ll ever stop, you know? She did some terrible things to me and--sometimes love doesn’t fade.  This last decision- I can’t be angry at her for it. It’d be easier if I could, you know?”

Nathaniel grinded is teeth, felt his jaw muscles strain.  He screwed his eyes shut against the flood of tears that filled them but it was too late, they fell hot against his face.  Nathaniel sniffled, rubbed his hand too hard against his nose. “She changed me. I don’t know who this person is that sits in this shitty wine bar in shittier West Covina, who stays here because it feels like it’s all he has left of this woman who is never coming back to him.  And you know the worst part?” Nathaniel was barely holding it together, his voice cracking. 

“No,” Greg said, softly.

“I can’t hate her.  I want to. I try. I try to muster it.  And I can’t. Then I try to not care. To be the old me.  Ice cold. Before I l knew Rebecca nothing could touch me,” Nathaniel let out bitter laughter.  That was a lie, of course. His father hurt him in a million ways he never really understood until Rebecca came into his life.  “She got to me. And I can’t go back.”

“Would you?  If you could?”  Nathaniel didn’t look up from his drink.  “I don’t know how much she told you about me and her before I left town to go to business school.”

“Not much,” Nathaniel said.

“Right.  Well, no need to go into it I guess but when I left I told her that despite it all really sucking a lot of time, that I would never regret any of it.  She changed my life, too. She changed me.”

“Great.  She changed us for the better.  I’m nice now and you're...” Nathaniel waved his hand, words failing him. “What does it get me?”

“Uh, friends? People that actually give a shit about you? People that are also fucked up from the love of their life walking away from them but who still come find their friend at a wine bar because they're worried?”

“You were worried about me?” Nathaniel was doubtful of that.

“Yeah, asshole. Whijo said you’ve been totally fucking MIA. Darryl told me you hadn’t been to the office in 2 weeks.”

“And how’d you find me here?” Nathaniel raised an eyebrow.

“Whijo is friends with the bartender.”

“Right,” Nathaniel said.  It was how he’d tracked them down outside Rebecca’s that one time.  “Well, thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” Greg said, finishing his ginger ale.  

Nathaniel picked up his glass, intending to drain it. He looked at his hand, felt the slight tremors that ran through it and put the glass back down.  His head fell into his hands, his elbows on the bar. He tried to push down the pain that convulsed inside his gut, swallowed against the lump lodged in his throat.  But he lost the battle just like he’d lost Rebecca and the tears fell, his shoulders shook. He all but heard his father call him an ugly epithet, a distant memory rattling around his brain.  

A warm hand rested on his back and then arms slid around him. Nathaniel turned into the embrace, eyes briefly meeting Greg’s before he buried his face against Greg’s shoulder. Old Nathaniel would have cared about making a scene like this in public.  New Nathaniel? He didn’t give a fuck. Something else he’d learned from Rebecca. Feel your feelings, she’d said to him once. Well, he was certainly doing that as he ugly cried into Greg’s button down shirt, tears and snot soaking the fabric. “How the fuck do I do this? Really let it go?” he asked, finally lifting his head.

“Fuck if I know,” Greg said.  “I moved cross country, I started a pretty good life, and then I was right back here.  And one look at her…” 

Nathaniel stared at Greg, felt like he was really seeing him for the first time.  His brown eyes were wet with unshed tears, his nose maybe a touch too large for his face. And his mouth… Nathaniel licked his lips, narrowed his eyes and gave in.  “Damn you, Rebecca,” he rasped, mostly to himself, as he pressed his mouth to Greg’s.

Greg’s mouth was warm against his but unyielding.  In point of fact, Greg’s body had gone stiff. Nathaniel knew rejection when he felt it, knew it all too well these days.  He was just about to back off when Greg pressed deeper into the embrace. Greg’s mouth was no longer passive, it moved against his own and the kiss quickly turned bruising. Nathaniel brought one hand up, clasping the back of Greg’s neck. Something wild and desperate was taking shape in Nathaniel’s gut. The feeling jarred him out of the moment and he ended the kiss but couldn't stop a low, feral moan from escaping his lips as their mouths parted. 

Nathaniel’s breathing was ragged, his skin flushed, his cock throbbing. He inhaled sharply. “We should--” Nathaniel began but Greg cut him off.

“Go back to your place?” he said.  “You read my mind.” Greg got to his feet.  “Considering you’ve had a few I don’t think you should drive home.”

“I didn’t drive here, I took an Uber.”

“My car is right out front,” Greg started toward the door, getting a few feet away before looking back over his shoulder. “You coming?”

Nathaniel had every intention of coming.  He took a hundred dollar bill out of his wallet and left it on the bar to cover both their drinks before getting to his feet.  The room swayed a touch, from the whisky, from the melancholy, and probably from that devastating kiss. He took a beat to steady himself and then followed Greg out of the wine bar. 

The ride back to Nathaniel’s place was virtually silent except when he gave the occasional direction about where to turn. They pulled up in front of the luxury building that was just outside West Covina proper.  “Is there any parking around here?” Greg asked.

“The building has a valet.  There he is now,” Nathaniel said, getting out of the car.  “Hey, Mark, thanks.” Greg was next to him then, handing off the keys to Mark. “This way.”  Nathaniel led Greg inside, made an effort to be polite to the concierge. They were inside his apartment moments later.  Nathaniel dropped his leather jacket onto a chair. “Do you-- want anything?”

Greg shook his head, stepped closer to Nathaniel. “You look a little nervous,” he said.

“What? No, don’t be stupid.  I asked you back here, remember?”

Greg smirked a little. “Was that how it happened?”

“Yeah,” Nathaniel said.

“Ok,” Greg said.  “So what are you waiting for? An engraved invitation?”

Nathaniel didn’t wait a second longer.  He wrapped both hands around Greg’s neck and kissed him hard. They stumbled into the bedroom, tearing at each other’s clothes, kicking off shoes.  The backs of Nathaniel’s legs bumped against his bed. He reached for Greg, pulled the other man flush against him. “Are you sure about this?” he asked. 

As an answer, Greg took the initiative, pushing Nathaniel onto his back, climbing on top of him, joining their mouths again. Nathaniel moaned, pressing harder against Greg’s body. It was a blur from then, mouths and limbs and heat and reckless need.  Nathaniel had his hands above his head, gripping the pillow as Greg drove into him, hard, deep, at breakneck speed and in slow motion all at the same time, his mouth wet and hot on Nathaniel’s throat, sucking on his lower lip. There was no banter, no funny quips or asides. There was only a charged silence punctuated with Greg’s deep groans and Nathaniel’s gasps. Nathaniel’s brain, which had been a scattered, miserable mess of a place for weeks was finally, mercifully empty of everything but this point in time.  And here, in this moment, he was satiated. 

Nathaniel came with Greg’s hand around his dick, back arching, stomach clenching as white hot pleasure burned through his body.  Greg’s thrusts continued until he came too, collapsing in a heap against Nathaniel. They remained pressed together, Nathaniel’s fingertips skating down Greg’s back, Greg’s mouth gently kissing his neck. Finally, Greg groaned, rolling off of Nathaniel.  Nathaniel turned his head, watched Greg sit up, his back facing him. Greg got to his feet, seemed to wobble a little, which made Nathaniel smirk. Greg looked around, like he was lost. “To the left… your other left,” he said. 

“Thanks,” Greg said, disappearing into the bathroom presumably to clean up, dispose of the condom. 

Nathaniel closed his eyes, raked his fingers through his hair.  He felt his brain turn on, like a machine with various gears and levers, starting to whir and process this new set of data. Nathaniel shook his head a bit.  “Nope,” he said. “Not doing that.”

Greg was back then.“Not doing what?”

“Processing.  I never used to process shit. And right now-- nope.”

“I do a lot of processing nowadays.  You kinda have to in AA,” he said. He started to look around the room, picking his clothes out from the pile they shared with Nathaniel’s. 

“You’re going,” Nathaniel said.

Greg nodded, pulling on his jeans, his shoes, and finally his button down shirt that had a giant stain on the shoulder.  “I didn’t think you wanted to cuddle.”

Nathaniel wasn’t sure if Greg meant that to be quite as acerbic as it sounded but he had no intention of asking.  “I’m not a cuddler,” he said, flatly.

“Right, that’s what I figured.”  Greg stood with his hands on his hips now, looking down at Nathaniel.  “So I’ll-- see you around.”

“See you,” Nathaniel said, watching Greg leave the room.  After he heard the front door open and then close, he let out an angry sound.  “Well, Nathaniel, you’ve done it now,” he said to no one. He tossed a pillow across the room and buried his face into the one Rebecca--Greg-- the one on the other side of the bed, and willed himself to fall asleep.

                   ****

“Nice of you to come,” Whijo said as Nathaniel settled into the chair across from his friend at Homebase.  He hoped Whijo didn’t notice how gingerly he felt like he was moving today.

“Hey man, I’m sorry.  I know I’ve been missing in action. It’s been a tough few weeks.  I wasn’t going to be good company.”

“That’s the thing about friends, dude, you don’t have to be good company.”

“I get it.  Or I’m starting to.  I haven’t been a fully functioning emotional human being for that long.  Cut me some slack.”

“All right, fine, you big dummy.” Nathaniel smiled a little.  A waitress came by and took their orders. ”Not having a beer?”

Nathaniel shook his head.  “I had too many whiskeys last night.”

“Ah, is that why you’re so pale?”

“Am I?”

“I mean, you’re always pale since you’re a vampire WASP but-- you look a bit off.”

“I’m not off, I’m fine.  I mean, you ever-- you ever do something that you don’t normally do?  Like, you’ve maybe done similar things like-- years ago but you never much thought about it and then you’re like-- DOING it? And you don’t care, it’s not like, oh no, I shouldn’t do that?  Like, it’s not philosophically wrong. It’s more like-- who am I? And not in that way, but in another way?”

“You lost me, dude,” Whijo said.

Before Nathaniel could try again he looked up, expecting the waitress with his mineral water.  Instead he saw Greg, freshly shaven, glowering over them. “Oh, hey, man.”

“Oh, hey, man,” Greg repeated, sounding a little caustic.

Whijo smiled.  “What’s up, dude?  Want to join us?”

“No, I don’t want to join you,” Greg said, putting a weird emphasis on the word join.  “So this is rich.”

“What’s rich?” Nathaniel said, defensive all of a sudden.

“This, you and Whijo just chilling, for no reason, right?” Greg said.

“We’re just catching up. Like friends do. When friends care about each other,” Nathaniel said.

“You are both being super confusing right now,” Whijo said.

“I’m not super confused,” Greg said.  “I’m not the one who went and found my gay friend because I was in a gay panic.”

Nathaniel’s eyes bugged out.  “Excuse me? Gay panic?”

“Yeah, gay panic. Last night, you’re all with the weepy blue eyes and fuck me Greg, let’s forget about Rebecca and just pound her right out of each other and today--”  Greg flailed his hands around in Nathaniel’s direction.

“Wait, you two-- fucked?” Whijo asked, not even trying not to smile.

Nathaniel raised a pointed finger.  “We-- okay, yes we did, which I didn’t think we were going to broadcast that for all of Homebase today, but fine.  But-- just to clarify the facts, I at no time said we should pound Rebecca out of each other and, well, as another clarification, I didn’t actually get to do any pounding since you ran out of my apartment like a -- frightened kitten.”

“Frightened kitten?  You said you weren’t a cuddler.”

“You said you were leaving because I wasn’t a cuddler.  What was I supposed to do? Beg you to stay?” 

As they argued, Whijo had crossed his arms over his chest, turning his head from one to the other like he was at a tennis match. “Aww, this is so cute,” he said.

Nathaniel and Greg looked at Whijo. “Cute?” Greg said.

“Yeah, what’s so cute about this?” Nathaniel wanted to know.

“Well, back when you guys became friends and I was kind of terrified of the trainwreck that seemed to be happening right in front of my eyes, I didn’t really want to stop it because you two seemed to need friends and straight people are so tragic. I guess neither of you are as straight as I thought but you are way more tragic. You hooked up over your mutual sadness about she-who-shall-not-be-named and now you’re angry at each other because you were too uptight to just cuddle after you fucked?  It’s cute. And now I will take my leave of you two dummies. Work it out.” 

Whijo got to his feet, clapped a hand on both of their shoulders in turn before heading out of Homebase. Nathaniel swallowed against the dryness in his throat and Greg shuffled where he stood. After a moment Greg took the seat Whijo had vacated. 

“So we should do a post-mortem on last night,” Greg said.

Nathaniel nodded a little.  “A post-mortem. So romantic.”

“Was last night romance for you?  Because if so, how did you and Rebecca even last?”

“What? I’ll have you know she and I.. No… No, let’s not talk about her.  I don’t even want to right now. I don’t know if I ever really want to talk about her.  Not with you, not with anyone.”

“Agreed.  Sorry for the crack. I like humor as a defense mechanism.”

“You’re not that good at it,” Nathaniel said.

Greg laughed.  “Maybe not. I just-- to clarify,” he said, stretching the word out just a bit longer than it should have been. “I left because I didn’t want it to get weirder than it already maybe was?  I mean not the sex, that wasn’t weird.”

“No, it wasn’t weird.  It was good.”

“Right, it was good.  It was… really good.”

Nathaniel nodded.  “Very good. And it wasn’t my first-- rodeo.”

Greg smiled and sighed in relief.  “MIne either. I had a few-- moments in college.”

“As one does,” Nathaniel agreed.  “For me it was prep school.”

“Of course it was,” Greg said.

“Hey, don’t do that.  Just because there are stereotypes about all boy prep schools doesn’t mean you should be so snarky.”

“I just meant, it’s just-- you went to prep school.  You’re a walking cliche, Nathaniel Plimpton the third,” he said, affecting an English accent.

“Maybe I am.  Last night wasn’t cliche though. I mean, how often do two male mostly straight exes of a woman wind up in bed together?”

Greg laughed.  “When Rebecca Bunch is the ex in question?  I’m guessing more often than you’d think. That woman has a way of tilting entire universes off their axes.”

Nathaniel felt a tinge of heartache.  “She really does.” There was a stretch of silence and then, “So, where are we, post-mortem-wise?”

“I think--  to summarize, last night was good sexually speaking and we were too dumb to realize it didn’t have to end so abruptly?” Greg said.

“Sounds right,” he said.  “You could have stayed. I don’t-- I don’t hate cuddling, if I’m being honest.”

“And I was the one in a panic.  Not a gay one because that’s just fucking stupid to even say so sorry for that.  But I-- I think I liked the loneliness, I think I was kind of… enjoying the misery that Rebecca left in her wake. And when we were together-- it stopped for awhile. Maybe I’m not ready to say goodbye to the pain.”

“I am,” Nathaniel said.  “I don’t think I can totally turn it off but last night was the first time I didn’t feel like I was drowning in it.  And I liked it.”

“I liked it too. Last night.”

“So-- now what? Are we too tragic to… figure this out?”

“I mean, probably?” Greg said, laughing lightly.  “But let’s try. I don’t know if-- I don’t know anything.  But we should-- have dinner. Come by Serrano’s later. If you’re free.”

“I’m free.  I don’t generally eat pasta and… carbs and sauces and fat and what not.”

“Well, here’s to trying new things, right?” Greg arched an eyebrow and Nathaniel could only smile.  “You can work out tomorrow.”

“I suppose I can. Fine. Is eight good?” Nathaniel asked.

“Perfect,” Greg replied.  “I should get over there now.”  Greg got to his feet. “I’m not running out in a panic again because I asked you on a date.  I really do have to go to the restaurant.”

Nathaniel shook his head.  “So this is a date?”

Greg paused.  “Yeah. So wear something nice,” he winked and headed out the door.

Nathaniel leaned back in his chair, looking around Homebase.  It was bustling with kids and the assorted local crackpots. He was only here, in this restaurant, in this city, about to go on a date with his ex-girlfriend's ex-boyfriend because of Rebecca Bunch.  His life had gone utterly sideways but instead of beating himself up, or questioning his choices, he decided he would just not to think about it too hard. Nathaniel got up, dropped some money on the table to cover the lunch no one was going to end up eating and started toward the door.  He pressed a button on his phone and listened to it ring before someone picked up. 

“George?  It’s me...  Yes I’m fine… thank you… yes… yes… I’m sorry…. Yes I mean it...  George, shut up… stop crying... Now, catch me up on the latest office insanties, I’m on my way in.” 

 

                                                                                                                                            -the end-

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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